A Parent’s Guide · Turning Winds Journal
“My Teen Is Out of Control”: Inside Reddit’s Most Honest Parenting Threads
Parents post “my teen is out of control” on Reddit every week. What the biggest threads get right, what they miss, and when to seek more help.
Troy, Montana9 min read
Many parents turn to online communities, looking for support and sharing stories about life at home. They describe teens who are defiant, refuse to do chores, and speak disrespectfully to their parents or guardians. You can see this in posts like one parent’s desperate plea about their 17-year-old son. Repeated arguments often break out, rules are ignored, and some parents even share their experiences in threads focused on teen daughters.
Sometimes, teens skip classes, get failing grades, or stop caring about school activities. This situation is often discussed in posts about a 16-year-old daughter who frequently misses school. They might pull away from old friends, become isolated, or start hanging out with new groups who use substances or break rules. Conflicts with teachers or coaches can also become common.
In therapy groups, these teens might act passive-aggressively when interacting with others. They often struggle to show empathy during discussions and have trouble truly listening. These young people tend to blame others and avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. Interestingly, former “difficult teens” sometimes offer advice on Reddit, like in a thread where parents seek their guidance.
Parents usually seek professional help when defiance, property damage, substance use, or other risky behaviors continue without stopping. Rule-breaking can become severe, or teens might threaten to harm themselves or others, as one parent describes in a post about their 17-year-old. When typical discipline methods no longer work, it’s a sign to get help. One parent even wrote a post titled “15 year old is destroying our lives.”
Parents often get overly invested in the outcomes with their kids and want to be in control of those outcomes but that’s directly attached to our self-worth and our self-esteem but as we do that, we take it from our kids and so in a very real way they lack a sense of self because we rob them.
Carl Baisden · Chief Operations Officer, Turning Winds
Quick Summary
Parents dealing with a teenager described as “out of control” often turn to Reddit. There, they find comfort in shared struggles, along with a mix of helpful and unproven advice. This article will help you sort through what works. We’ll focus on building connections, using proven therapy methods, and understanding your teen’s developing brain. We’ll also warn you about advice that isn’t reliable or could make things worse.
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What Sets Effective Care Apart
A parent posting in r/Parenting about a 17-year-old son who refuses help and skips classes often feels deeply desperate. This feeling is a common thread across Reddit’s parenting communities. From these discussions, and from what experts understand, a clear message emerges: effective care moves beyond just “controlling” a teen’s behavior. Instead, it focuses on understanding and addressing what’s truly causing it. Rather than strict punishments, a more effective approach builds connection and shared responsibility. For example, the Love and Logic method encourages parents to offer choices and let natural consequences teach lessons, giving teens a sense of shared control.
This idea matches advice from former “difficult teens” on Reddit. They wished their parents had lowered expectations and focused more on connecting with them. It’s also vital to remember that the adolescent brain is still developing. Impulsive actions or poor choices might come from how their brain is growing, not just defiance. Good care often includes family therapy, which recognizes that a teen’s behavior is part of a bigger family picture. This approach encourages parents to be curious and supportive to help bring about change.
“Many of the worst kids—the most disrespectful and rebellious—often come from homes where they are shown love, but it’s just the wrong kind of love.”
“What I share with parents and other kids is don’t hold on to what happened in the past. When your kid comes home, they have most likely changed. Don’t bring up the past because that will only make that kid want to go back to the past.”
“I have a really amazing relationship with my family. I have honest relationships that I don’t have to take from them. So, I can have their love and care, and it’s not transactional, and that’s really beautiful.”
How the Right Support Works
When you feel like you can no longer handle your teenager, your first thought might be to get tougher with discipline. But online discussions, like those on Reddit, often show that this approach doesn’t work, especially when typical punishments don’t make a difference. Real support means stepping away from constant power struggles. Tim Thayne, in his book Not by Chance, encourages parents to step out of the tug-of-war over control so change can last. This means you still set clear rules, but you also focus on understanding and connecting with your teen.
For instance, instead of just taking away privileges, you can use a mix of natural and imposed consequences, making sure to follow through. While some advice on Reddit can be unproven or extreme, many parents find success with professional help. teen behavioral therapy, for example, can help with specific issues like drug use or emotional outbursts. Keep in mind that the legal system, as one discussion shows, rarely offers a real treatment plan. This highlights why we need healing solutions, not just punishment.
The overlook
True support for an ‘out-of-control’ teen starts with understanding, not just control.
Moving beyond strict punishments, effective approaches build connection and shared responsibility, recognizing the developing adolescent brain and addressing underlying causes.
Questions Worth Asking Early
Early problems with teenagers can sometimes worsen over time, as some parents have shared. For example, one father watched his 15-year-old daughter’s behavior decline over two years. This shows how important it is to ask the right questions early on. Instead of just labeling your teen “out-of-control,” try to look for what’s really going on. Is their behavior a cry for help? Do they feel unheard or overwhelmed? Former “difficult teens” on Reddit often advise parents to listen more and connect before trying to fix things.
Certain patterns are big red flags that mean it’s time for a professional to step in. These include failing school, using drugs, or taking risks, like a parent’s post about their 16-year-old skipping school and drinking. Such behaviors can point to hidden mental health issues or a risk of drug addiction. A professional can help understand these deeper problems. When you explore why your teen might be unmotivated, or why they lash out and feel overwhelmed, it helps guide you toward healing approaches that consider past hurts, rather than just adding more rules.
What This Looks Like in Practice
When your teen seems “out of control,” it often means your usual parenting methods aren’t working anymore. Changing how you respond can lead to a more peaceful home and a stronger bond with your child. Instead of trying to force them to obey, many parents find it helps to offer choices and let natural consequences teach their teens. The Love and Logic approach, created by Dr. Foster Cline and Jim Fay, suggests parents share control with their children.
It builds connection instead of just demanding obedience. For instance, if your teen struggles with chores, try saying, “You can use the Wi-Fi once the dishes are loaded,” instead of nagging. Or, “The car keys will be ready after your room is tidy.” This way, the natural outcome (no Wi-Fi, no car) does the teaching, not a lecture or a fight.
A crucial step is to completely avoid power struggles. In his book, Not by Chance, Dr. Tim Thayne highlights how important it is for parents to step back from these conflicts. Such a step allows real, lasting change to happen. When your teen argues intensely about a rule, like a curfew, don’t get drawn into a long debate.
Instead, calmly state your expectation and then walk away from the argument. For example, you might say, “I understand you don’t agree, but the curfew is 10 PM. We can talk about it tomorrow morning.” Doing so stops the argument from getting worse and gives your teen time to think about the rule without the immediate pressure of a fight.
When you disagree, remember that the goal isn’t to “win” the argument. Rather than trying to prove your point, focus on finding a solution that actually works for everyone. If your teen is upset about a rule, try saying, “It sounds like we both want to make this work. Let’s think about what we both want to happen and how we can work together to achieve it.” Such an approach changes the situation from a fight to teamwork. It encourages your teen to help solve the problem instead of just pushing back against your rules.
Every day, we see teens arrive carrying deep pain, fear, and uncertainty. And then, little by little, they begin to change. Not because we fix them, but because they do the work. Our job is to guide, believe in them, and never give up. That’s when healing happens.
Owen Baisden · Chief Executive Officer, Turning Winds
In this incredibly complex, fast-changing age, responsible kids are the only ones who will be able to handle the real world that awaits them.
Foster Cline
Common Questions
How can parents support a teen’s mental health day to day?
Regular routines can make a big difference for teens who are struggling. Things like a set dinner time or bedtime offer a sense of stability they might be missing. Having open talks about their feelings, instead of just focusing on grades, helps build trust. Make sure they get enough sleep, and set clear, kind limits. For instance, you might ask them to join family activities even if they’d rather be alone. Such limits help create a healthy structure. Also, keep in touch with their care team. This way, professional advice becomes part of their daily life, and everyone is working together.
When should a parent seek a professional clinical evaluation for their teenager?
If your teen is hurting themselves or talking about suicide, get help right away. Call or text 988 or 911. Even if it’s not an emergency, you should seek professional help if you notice other serious changes. Look for things like refusing to go to school, pulling away from all their friends, or sudden big changes in behavior that affect their safety or daily life.
You might also notice ongoing issues like becoming overly secretive all of a sudden, or lying often about where they are. Keep in mind, Unlike the usual privacy teens want. It’s really important to get help early, especially when these concerning behaviors become serious or hard to change.
What strategies help parents respond to a teen’s defiant behavior?
When your teen acts defiant, try setting clear rules and consistent boundaries. Instead of immediate punishment, let them experience the natural results of their actions. Listen carefully to understand their point of view, even if you don’t agree. Such listening can help calm things down and encourage them to work with you. As an example, if your teen keeps missing curfew, talk calmly about how this affects trust in the family. Then, put a consequence into action that you both agreed on beforehand, like losing phone privileges. This approach is better than just yelling. This way, you’re helping them learn responsibility, rather than just trying to control what they do.
What You Can Do This Week
Initiate a calm conversation. First, find a calm time when you and your teen can talk without distractions. Share your worries and your desire to understand, instead of immediately blaming them. You could start by saying, “I’ve noticed things have been really tough lately, and I want to understand what’s going on for you.”
Evaluate the need for professional help. Consider getting professional help if you see ongoing defiance, very strong mood changes, a sudden drop in grades, or risky behaviors. Examples include using drugs or alcohol, or skipping school. Reach out to your pediatrician or a mental health expert to ask for an assessment. Turning Winds, which started over twenty years ago, has helped families from all over the world. They’ve talked with thousands of families during initial conversations, whether or not those families ended up enrolling. It shows their dedication to supporting parents through these tough talks.
Establish clear boundaries and expectations. Work together with your teen to create clear, steady rules and consequences. These rules should focus on keeping everyone safe and showing respect for each other at home. Make sure your teen knows what you expect from them and what will happen if the rules you both agreed on are broken.
Act immediately in a crisis. If your teen is in danger right now, talking about suicide, or seriously hurting themselves, don’t wait. Call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for immediate help. It’s available 24/7.
Independently Accredited Care and Academics
Self-Guided Observation
Over the last two weeks, take a moment to ask yourself:
- Does your teen often yell or act aggressively towards family members?
- Does your teen consistently break important household rules despite consequences?
- Is your teen frequently skipping school or failing multiple classes?
- Has your teen suddenly changed friends or become very isolated lately?
- Have you found evidence of drug or alcohol use by your teen?
If you answered yes to several of these, it might be time to talk with a professional. Turning Winds’ admissions counselors are here to help. They are available 24/7, and your call will be confidential. Call (800) 845-1380.
If your teen is in immediate danger or talking about suicide or self-harm, call or text 988 right now. This is the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24/7.
Related Podcasts
World-Renowned Dr. Foster Cline, Pioneer of Love and Logic, on Raising Responsible Teens
Many discussions referenced on this page are real, public Reddit threads. We link them so you can read the conversations in full, the advice there is unfiltered and unvetted; the perspective on this page is ours.
- My 17 year old son is out of control. I don’t know what to do anymore. Need advice please.
r/Parenting · 580+ comments
- My teen daughter is out of control and I don’t know what to do
r/TrueOffMyChest · 510+ comments
- Parenting advice needed: out of control teenage boy.
r/AskMenOver30 · 280+ comments
- I can no longer handle my teenager
r/Parenting · 310+ comments
- 17-year-old is making our lives a nightmare!
r/Parenting · 250+ comments
- 15 year old is destroying our lives.
r/Parenting · 420+ comments
- My 15 yo daughter is out of control.
r/Parenting · 50+ comments
- Parents of out-of-control teens, what do you wish you did differently?
r/Parenting · 10+ comments
Reddit is a trademark of Reddit, Inc., which is not affiliated with and does not endorse Turning Winds.
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